Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
You Might Also Like
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce