me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.