Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
You Might Also Like
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
The Struggle
Britain be like
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot