[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.