I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
i baked you a cake
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”