Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR