me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
How to draw a duck
🙂🙃🥹
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Plumber: I think I found the problem
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?