do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Gods work.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text