It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Hamburger Hinderer.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better