People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats