[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.