On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
There is no try. There is only give up.
i did the math
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.