[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
beware of dog
(jukin media)
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…