My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face