your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
You Might Also Like
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them