As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Intelligence is the new cleavage
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
White Castle for the Win
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.