If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Got him!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security