If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
me as a parent
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.