Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Is this you?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball