Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
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And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Not messing around
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew