Did you file your cat correctly today?..ππππ
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Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Whatβs the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. Heβs 8 months old
Itβs only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldnβt handle that banging another second.
I created you as mosquito food.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My coworkers think Iβm always busy but Iβm really just trying to remember my password.
me: iβm sorry i havenβt been on twitter much lately, my employer says iβm expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say iβm essential.
My ex was saved in my phone as βthe antichristβ until my children were able to read.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Travelerβs camo
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say βplease donβt throw your beef stick at meβ with a straight face.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*iβm just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[gains weight] ugh clothes donβt fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes donβt fit
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, Iβm sure it will work just fine
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it