[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
You Might Also Like
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.