I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Golf would be better with landmines.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.