Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.