Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.