Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin