Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
just having fun
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
good morning
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”