best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.