40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.