Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!