lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
You Might Also Like
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.