I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Krampus.