6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
OKAY DAD
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions