Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
plums roundup
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
when you don’t want to be too vague