Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*