“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.