I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.