Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.