I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer