If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking