Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My god she’s good.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.