*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Terribly Tuesday.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Pass gas, not judgment.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Well, that didn’t work.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.