WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
time for some seasonal decor
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.