In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic