If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
How it started: How it’s going:
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.