When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
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So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.