*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
You Might Also Like
One of the best
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.