I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
uh oh
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Hit me in the face with a bird
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.