when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
So true for me
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Need WebMD
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Perfection.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.