Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
New menu item
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.